Right now I am in the pissed off stage of this situation, and I don't really know if there is a next stage or what. But if the title gave you some expectation for what you might find here, I'm sorry because what I'm about to do is not profound or even well thought out. It's just a rant, that's all. And here it goes:
When you have a teenager who has no respect for you and makes it clear that he thinks nothing you say is worthwhile or applicable to him, it's kinda hard when your husband doesn't stick up for you. And it's REALLY hard when he not only doesn't stick up for you, but instead tells you to stop making a big deal of it. Sorry, but it's a big deal when your child disobeys something he's been told a hundred times not to do and knows it and admittedly doesn't give a rat's ass. But if I would ignore the disobedience we would have peace. And a child satisfied with his disobedience.
When you begin to offer input and teenager says, "I'm talking to daddy," (interpretation: "Shut up--you don't have any part in this conversation.") and you have to be the one to inform him that you are a parent as well, while your husband just sits there and doesn't give a shit, that sucks.
When your husband doesn't want you to call teenager out on his (MANY AND FREQUENT) inconsistencies, he is free to be as inconsistent as he wants. Because the mother, when not backed up by the father, is dirt.
When you are commanded to calm down but your husband is allowed to yell, that also sucks.
When teenager is throwing an obvious pity party and intentionally doing things so he can reap more so-called injustices upon himself, sorry, but I want to call him out. I want him to know what he's doing. Because I'm no dummy. I've seen it before. It's typical teenager. Except our other teenager hardly ever pulls it so I'm just the bitch to him. Queue: another reason to feel sorry for himself. Oh, but my husband doesn't want me to provoke him. My husband really thinks I just want to provoke him, which is just plain crazy.
What I actually want is for him to stop being disrespectful and ungrateful and placing blame and comparing our treatment of him to that of his sister and feeling sorry for himself and thinking he's so mistreated, because he is NOT. I'm sorry he got such a crappy mom, and he doesn't deserve it. Neither do the other three kids, but they got stuck with me too. I'm sure there are times they don't like me, but they never make me feel so loathed as he does and even as my husband does.
When teenager wants to point out how other people are misbehaving, I'm going to show him how he JUST DID the exact same thing he is so offended by in someone else. Should I let it go? I didn't excuse his sister for doing the same thing. I didn't excuse myself for doing the same thing. I acknowledge when someone else is in the wrong as well. But he wants to be excused. He flatly refuses to accept responsibility. Should I let it go? Should I? Maybe I should! But then he wouldn't get to be the victim of such horrid abuse as...getting his inconsistencies identified. Yes, that was sarcastic of me, but it's just so exhausting to have someone who denies responsibility for his actions and revels in self-pity.
And my husband gets mad because I treat him differently (no wonder teenager feels justified in hating my guts).
A.) Yes I treat him differently because he is different.
B.) No, I don't. All my kids are expected to talk to all adults with respect. All my kids are expected to ask nicely. All my kids are expected to obey without talking back. All my kids are expected to change their attitude if they need to. Just because one kid gets corrected more than the others doesn't mean I'm treating him unfairly. And just because he acts one way to his dad doesn't mean he acts the same way toward me. And just because you can remain calm when I can't does not mean you have to glare at me and shut me up. Sometimes it's the other way around but I don't try to make you feel like you suck as a parent and you shouldn't be sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong.
Also, by the way, my nose does belong there.
Also, by the way, just because YOU didn't choose that battle doesn't mean I don't have a good reason for choosing it. You aren't always there to see everything I see, and that isn't your fault--it's just a fact.
Also, by the way, I'm SORRY you have to come home to more stress, but I want to be able to look forward to you coming home and lately that's the time my stress spikes. Yours too. I don't want it to be like that.
Also, by the way, I know I mess up sometimes.
Also, by the way, I'M ACTUALLY NOT DOING EVERYTHING WRONG!!!!
My dad is an amazing man--one of the best people I've ever known. But guess why I have less respect for him as a parent than I do for my mom--Because he didn't demand that I respect her. That's why. Because when she (rightfully) got angry with me and wasn't afraid to show it, my dad jumped in and scolded her. And I rejoiced in the fact that my parents weren't on the same page. My mom was usually right and my dad was wrong to shush her, and I knew it then but it kept me out of trouble. Satan was pretty smug then too I'm guessing. And my poor mom, the most loving person in the world, probably felt completely worthless in those moments. Unsupported by her partner and disrespected by her children.
So basically, I have the impression my husband would like me to butt out and I would actually LOVE to butt out because it's a pretty big responsibility that I'm not qualified for. But I don't think I'm supposed to because it's my kid too, right? And it's a responsibility that I've been given. And just because teenager is great probably more than half the time doesn't mean that I ignore it when he's not.
Sorry but I don't want a child satisfied with his own disobedience and defiance and disrespect. And I don't want it to keep affecting my marriage.
